Welcome, I think.

I never personally thought I was autistic. I mean different? Sure. Quirky? Of course. It wasn’t until I started questioning some of my ticks that it got real, really fast. This is all still fairly recent to me. But, once I started what actually autistic adults had to say about life I was shook. Disassociation, emotional disregulation, masking, anxiety, depression… the list matched almost every symptom I had and more. It was surreal to suddenly realize that not only were Jack and probably Hugh on the spectrum but I was too. Fast forward to me learning about the Aspie quiz this week and my results…

My gap score is huge. Over 100. While socially I seem to have more neurotypical tendencies it’s obvious that every other part of my existence is squarely resting in the Aspie category. I retook this test three times (Hella hyperfocus) and could not manipulate my results.

So at 33, as a mom who has fought really hard for her son to have the supports he needs at school and her toddler to have early intervention, I decided on a self diagnosis. Memories of things I did as a kid including stemming using sand at the beach, being called “creative”, being called “messy”, screaming and crying… it all added to the new realization of who I was. Suddenly the spectrum became really easy to see in me. It was if walls I had built to make life bearable had also become barriers to ultimate self acceptance and answers I had always wanted.

I wish I could explain how much this has effected me lately. How in my late night reading I can feel myself finally relax into the idea that I’m not broken. That allot of things that bother me or I internalized over the years were probably actually red flags that I was processing stuff differently even then. I’m able to lay anxieties over my future down because I now will apply some of the helpful things I’ve learned over the years on a whole new level.

I wish I could go back to the first time i cried over a diagnosis for my kids. I wish I could sit in that room in silence instead. Maybe even knowing what I do now that they are no different from me. I think if I had that knowledge then it’s have comforted me. That diagnosis was delivered with so much stigma and I would have loved to respond with the knowledge I’ve acquired. I could let myself feel a bit more and carry the overwhelming guilt and worry a bit less

My doctor agrees that a evaluation would be a good idea. Getting diagnosed at 33 changes nothing for me. But, for a generation of lost girls coming after me it could unlock doors. If I live my truth maybe the women behind me will get diagnosed sooner and easier. I obviously can’t change my past but I can give them a leg up in the future. That’s what I care about.

In the end, this blog is about a journey I can’t really find anywhere else on the internet. It’s about an autism mom finding out that she’s been autistic her entire life. There’s so much to research and learn. So much to heal and prune. I’m relieved and mad and sad and will share all this with everyone as I start this new journey.