One of the biggest hints I had when I started thinking about the fact that I am autistic is my super messy house. I’ve always battled it but at its peak of cleanliness I still found myself being comparative. The messy house is a hang up that has served me and my family in many ways but has also caused us to miss out on a few things.
I want to reiterate that my messy house didn’t just suddenly come into being. From the time that the social expectation of cleaning my room was explained to me by my mom I’ve struggled. She tried to show me a million ways to clean and still does to this day. No matter how much she shows me (kudos to you mom btw) I struggle. I’m not sure that there’s some magic or a system I haven’t discovered yet but this is just part of my executive dysfunction and I don’t look for it to change soon.
The messy house has really kept my safe space. As in, I know I’m not having a bunch of visitors and I can actually relax. My kids struggle to socially regulate so being able to escape to the wasteland of toys that is their bedroom and knowing that they can relax is priceless. I’m the same way. And when I say messy I don’t mean filthy. I work really hard to keep our trash picked up and laundry/dishes done. But coming home after socializing sitting in the mess is refreshing. Almost like the mess is protecting me from unwanted visitors popping in when I don’t have the skills to handle them.
The downside is it does keep visitors away. My son’s will probably never host a sleepover in my home and that’s squarely on my inability to deal with the loud noise and tons of kids I’d be responsible for. I can handle a few kids here or there to help my friends occasionally but, I rarely allow any of them into my safe space.
Looking at it,I am lucky as well that my husband understands all this. Nine years of being together and his understanding is so helpful at times. That’s not to say frustrating days don’t appear for him but, we seem to have a balance going. We also because we don’t clean as much, make the most of the family time we do have. We are limited on that because of his jobs and farming but it’s nice to know that we prioritize family over chores. In my book that is the ultimate prize.
One of the best strategies that I’ve found so far came from tiktok. Domestic blisters over there has really helped me view care tasks as “morally neutral” . Her real name is KC Davis and her book has really helped me understand that I am not a bad human because I have a messy home, how to make a house functional, and how to look past the messes and celebrate who I am. I’m still not there yet and being couchbound this week means that it’s a hot wreck in here. But, I know she’s gonna be waiting on me when I can start moving it.
Overall, laying down the guilt and embracing myself as the person I am has really helped me be more comfortable on all fronts. Messy house or not I’m still a human who is amazing and deserves to know my value. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but at least I feel safe here and for now, that’s what matters the most.
The Autists Other Side 