Deciding to self diagnose was hard but once I did I had so many thoughts. I mean I’m a huge analytical thinker with hyperfocus which means my brain tends to go full throttle. So, of course, I immediately started thinking about all the memories I have and asking myself if missing this diagnosis afforded me space I needed or put me behind in so many aspects of my life.
It becomes so hard for me when I think about the stigma I haven’t experienced by not having a diagnosis. Would peoples stigma have kept me from accomplishing all I have in my life? Would I have ever met my husband and had my two beautiful babies? So many neurodiverse people have been written off by society at large just because of the stigma that comes with the labels they carry. That both saddens and scares me. I don’t want my voice to be silenced just because my brain reaches conclusions differently. I definitely think that by being 33 when I learned about my autism I was given a leg up on life. I feel as though my embrace of self diagnosis was voluntary and, because of that, I don’t carry the stigma someone diagnosed younger may.
Sadly, while I missed the stigma in my younger years I also missed formal diagnosis and the understanding that diagnosis carries. For years I’ve felt like I just didn’t fit. That something was wrong with the way I thought. Perhaps if I had known that I was an autist in my younger years there wouldn’t have been the impulsive decisions they brought. Maybe if I didn’t have these bad experienced I would have socially figured things out long ago. There’s no judgment of my past self I still tightly grasp however, it would be interesting to see how I would have turned out with intervention. Overall, I do grieve for the kiddo inside me that had to suffer while I sorted this all out. I wish she had the confidence this diagnosis brings.
The biggest kicker in this whole situation is my parenting of my own kids. Now knowing that we are all autists the dynamic will change in our household. I’ve come to call bad days “bad brain days” anymore around here. I know what disassociation and emotional deregulation can be like and I see myself in my kids. My diagnosis means I can be a more empathetic, listening mom. Most moms of tiny Autists don’t have the leg up that I have. I’m very lucky. Partly, I think my diagnoses suddenly allows me to give my children more grace but it also encourages me to spend the time talking about social settings and roll playing with them so they can feel confident.
Overall, I think anyone learning they are an autist is overwhelmed with lots of thoughts. Knowing which ones to catalog and put away and which you have space for in your life is important boundary to set up. For me, these thoughts were helpful when I reviewed them but now, I need to live in the present and focus on being the most authentic version of myself I can be. They will always be there and I can reconsider them but, looking to my future is where it makes sense to focus.
The Autists Other Side 